Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias
Trump Apologizes For Impeachment Comment After Learning Disturbing History Of 1918 Lynching Of German American Immigrant Robert PragerWASHINGTON—Shutting down a regular monthly delivery that had been in place since the Truman administration, President Donald Trump canceled the White House’s subscription to Highlights magazine Tuesday over what he deemed to be rampant anti-Goofus bias. “Everyone’s getting on his case all the time—Goofus has been treated very, very unfairly,” said Trump, decrying the 60-year-old children’s magazine’s obvious pro-Gallant agenda while praising Goofus as a bright kid smart enough to look out for number one and who knew how to cut a deal. “‘Gross Gallant’ is no angel either! I hear he’s in bed with some pretty shady figures, I won’t say who. Too bad for Highlights, a once-great publication that has gone downhill in recent years. Unfair that they never publish your drawings when you submit them. Also, I looked at that scene of the kids playing, and the second picture? No differences! None at all! And I was in that terrible maze for hours. Not good. There was clearly no exit.” At press time, Trump had reversed his position and instructed an aide to renew the White House’s subscription after discovering Highlights gave him some positive press by mentioning him in a list of U.S. presidents.
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the hurt he had caused, President Donald Trump apologized Tuesday for describing the House impeachment inquiry as a “lynching,” saying he had been unaware of the term’s association with the 1918 murder of Robert Prager, a German American immigrant killed by an angry mob. “I realize now my remark was insensitive, and insulting to the memory of Mr. Prager and those impacted by his tragic death,” said the president, who asked the American people to forgive him, emphasizing how disturbed he had been when a member of his staff told him how Prager had been singled out and killed by coal miners in Illinois during a wartime wave of anti-German sentiment. “Upon learning of this foul act, I have come to understand that lynching represents a deeply troubling chapter in our nation’s past. Going forward, we must make a greater effort to reckon with this difficult part of our history, by which I mean specifically the terrible fate that befell an innocent German man on April 5, 1918. I am truly sorry for any pain my statement may have caused the German American community.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump’s base appeared satisfied with his apology and had no objections to a new tweet in which he compared the impeachment inquiry to “the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.”