Really Terrible Puns, v 10

[MissThundercat]

A: Ma'am, you're bleeding out and you're gonna need a transfusion. What's your blood type?
B: B positive.
A: I'm trying, but you're bleeding a lot!

[MissThundercat]

You dropped your tuba on the floor? That's tubad.

[joecct]

"The overwhelming whiteness of the polar bear community should give us all paws."

-Babylon Bee

[MissThundercat]

Me: You know what's really odd?
joe: Numbers not divisible by 2.
Me: That was so bad, I can't even.

[MissThundercat]

To cancel my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice.

[Kepler]

Saw on a friends FB:

There once was a girl from Purdue
Who kept a young cat in a pew
She taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got farther than μ

This is f-cking outstanding.

[joecct]

Not a pun. But got a chuckle on this FB post.

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[MissThundercat]

You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany, or something like that.

[MissThundercat]

I challenged the number one to a fight, then they brought their friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

[joecct]

I challenged the number one to a fight, then they brought their friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

They were almost in prime condition too. However, I think you offered to fight them even up, even if the ref was irrational.

[MissThundercat]

They were almost in prime condition too. However, I think you offered to fight them even up, even if the ref was irrational.

At least the ref wasn't imaginary.

[MissThundercat]

I went to the doctor and he asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a tiny chair from my bag, and he yelled at me for wasting his time, so I went home. I don't know why I'm ****ting furniture..

[joecct]

I went to the doctor and he asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a tiny chair from my bag, and he yelled at me for wasting his time, so I went home. I don't know why I'm ****ting furniture..

You're tough as nails?

[MissThundercat]

Within minutes, detectives found the murder weapon. It was a brief case.

[MissThundercat]

There was a huge fight at the local Red Lobster; there were battered fish everywhere!

[joecct]

Six of the seven dwarfs were not Happy.

[St. Clown]

Why did Norway put bar codes on its naval fleet?

So it could Scan di' navy in.

[MissThundercat]

I'd like to thank those of you who helped me define the word "many." It really means a lot.

[MissThundercat]

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

[MissThundercat]

Cop: Do you mind identifying the body? I have to warn you, the body was hacked up.
Me: That's him. That's my brother Reese.
Cop. Are you sure?
Me: (sobbing) Those are Reese's Pieces.