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A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

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  • #31
    Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

    Originally posted by UncleRay View Post

    I always heard that as Irishmen. The country, not the school
    In Canada, it's Newfies
    Growing old is mandatory -- growing up is optional!

    Comment


    • #32
      Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

      An Italian, an Irishman, and a Russian walked up to the Bar.

      It was an equal opportunity mob law firm.
      "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

      "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

      "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

      "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

        what do you call a lawyer who cant pass the bar?

        an Irishman.
        Originally posted by mtu_huskies
        "We are not too far away from a national championship," said (John) Scott.
        Boosh Factor 4

        Originally posted by Brent Hoven
        Yeah, but you're my favorite hag.

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        • #34
          Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

          Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells?
          Because a-shells and b-shells were too small.
          The preceding post may contain trigger words and is not safe-space approved. <-- Virtue signaling.

          North Dakota Hockey:

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          • #35
            Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

            Originally posted by The Sicatoka View Post
            Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells?
            Because a-shells and b-shells were too small.
            OK. That is funny. Hat tip, sir.
            Cornell University
            National Champion 1967, 1970
            ECAC Champion 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1980, 1986, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2010
            Ivy League Champion 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1977, 1978, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020

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            • #36
              Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

              About ten years ago today, I was riding on the commuter train and the conductor came on the speakers to make an announcement:

              "Attention, attention all passengers, attention!

              We are approaching the New York state line. The state legislature passed a bill, effective April First, that requires us to collect a $1 fee from every passenger entering New York State. Please get your cash ready and we will be around to collect it momentarily."


              My first thought was, "hey, wait a minute, they can't to that, it's unconstitutio--- oh, wait, he said 'effective April First, good one!" I was then surprised to see how many people were reaching for their wallets and purses.


              Still probably the best one I've seen in person.



              Happy April Fools' Day, y'all!
              "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

              "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

              "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

              "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                Originally posted by FreshFish View Post
                About ten years ago today, I was riding on the commuter train and the conductor came on the speakers to make an announcement:

                "Attention, attention all passengers, attention!

                We are approaching the New York state line. The state legislature passed a bill, effective April First, that requires us to collect a $1 fee from every passenger entering New York State. Please get your cash ready and we will be around to collect it momentarily."


                My first thought was, "hey, wait a minute, they can't to that, it's unconstitutio--- oh, wait, he said 'effective April First, good one!" I was then surprised to see how many people were reaching for their wallets and purses.


                Still probably the best one I've seen in person.



                Happy April Fools' Day, y'all!
                I digress, but I like the occasional sense of humor of aviators and train conductors. A friend said she was on a flight east, and somewhere over Pennsylvania, after the captain had finished an announcement came the ear-splitting cry of a passenger's baby. Captain got back on the intercom and asked, "hey was that Sydney Crosby?"

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                  How many ska musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

                  4. One to drop it and 3 to pickitup pickitup pickitup.
                  Michigan Tech Huskies Pep Band: There's No Use Trying To Talk. No Human Sound Can Stand Up To This. Loud Enough To Knock You Down.

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                  • #39
                    Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                    An atheist, a homosexual, and vegan walk into a bar. They mentioned this within two minutes of arriving.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                      Originally posted by FlagDUDE08 View Post
                      An atheist, a homosexual, and vegan walk into a bar. They mentioned this within two minutes of arriving.
                      And a Crossfitter.
                      Michigan Tech Huskies Pep Band: There's No Use Trying To Talk. No Human Sound Can Stand Up To This. Loud Enough To Knock You Down.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                        Originally posted by Twitch Boy View Post
                        And a Crossfitter.
                        Let me tell you about my Crossfit workout! It was the BEST EVER!!!! And here's every detail as to why...
                        "The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." George Orwell, 1984

                        "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume." Boromir

                        "Good news! We have a delivery." Professor Farnsworth

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                          Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

                          A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

                          Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties.

                          The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

                          1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

                          2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

                          3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

                          NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                            Originally posted by owslachief View Post
                            Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

                            A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

                            Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties.

                            The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

                            1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

                            2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

                            3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

                            NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."

                            Good thing the burned out bulb is not one of those Compact Fluorescent models, or else we'd also have to get the EPA involved. You'd then have to hire a unionized specialized waste disposal firm and have a person in a hazmat suit remove the bulb under the supervision of a union steward. You'd also need a separate union member to set up and take down the ladder, supervised by a different union steward.
                            "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

                            "Beer is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin

                            "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

                            "People generally are most impatient with those flaws in others about which they are most ashamed of in themselves." - folk wisdom

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                              Originally posted by FreshFish View Post
                              Good thing the burned out bulb is not one of those Compact Fluorescent models, or else we'd also have to get the EPA involved. You'd then have to hire a unionized specialized waste disposal firm and have a person in a hazmat suit remove the bulb under the supervision of a union steward. You'd also need a separate union member to set up and take down the ladder, supervised by a different union steward.
                              Whoa ... never expected to wade into the political waters here, but I suppose the hyperbole could also be written like "secretly dumping the broken bulb into the nearby river behind the local watchdog's back, courtesy of Billy the guy who trained in hazmat from an article he read online, who's also cousin to Dave the company president and will get paid big $$ for his services. Billy replaced both the highly-trained waste disposal supervisor and the the certified hazmat guy, who along with the privatized-out union steward are out fly-fishing and have just reeled in a nice catch but will be pulling both bone and broken glass out tonight's dinner," that sort of thing.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                                Teacher asked for a haiku, so I gave her this:

                                Five syllables here.
                                Seven syllables there.
                                Are you happy now?
                                Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
                                "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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                                Adventures With Amber Marie

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