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A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

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  • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

    Originally posted by goldy_331 View Post
    A Panda walks into a bar....


    Sits down and orders a burger and fries. Finishes his lunch, stands up and pulls out a gun then shoots everyone except the bartender who dives behind the bar. While frantically dialing 911 the bartender yells "what the hell was that all about.". As he's walking out the Panda says "Google me."
    This is a much better joke if you end it right here.
    Cornell University
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    • Stop clubbing, baby seals!

      And that is why punctuation matters.
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      "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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      • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

        A woman is in the confessional:

        Woman: bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a Congressman.
        Priest: My daughter, I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work...
        Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
        "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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        • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

          Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
          A woman is in the confessional:

          Woman: bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a Congressman.
          Priest: My daughter, I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work...
          Funny story: the first time I heard this joke it was "I killed a Baptist Minister." But mostly I've heard it as "... lawyer."
          Cornell University
          National Champion 1967, 1970
          ECAC Champion 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1980, 1986, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2010
          Ivy League Champion 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1977, 1978, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020

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          • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

            Three stages of life:

            1. Birth
            2. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
            3. Death
            Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
            "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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            • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

              Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
              Three stages of life:

              1. Birth
              2. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
              3. Death
              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bATv2GwOs08
              Cornell University
              National Champion 1967, 1970
              ECAC Champion 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1980, 1986, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2010
              Ivy League Champion 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1977, 1978, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020

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              • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                My parents in 1999: Don't trust anyone on the Internet.

                My dad in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says that Hillary invented AIDS.
                Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
                "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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                • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                  Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
                  My parents in 1999: Don't trust anyone on the Internet.

                  My dad in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says that Hillary invented AIDS.
                  1999: Don't take rides from strangers, and don't trust people you meet on the Internet.

                  2017: Uber.
                  Michigan Tech Huskies Pep Band: There's No Use Trying To Talk. No Human Sound Can Stand Up To This. Loud Enough To Knock You Down.

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                  • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                    Originally posted by Twitch Boy View Post
                    1999: Don't take rides from strangers, and don't trust people you meet on the Internet.

                    2017: Uber.
                    Win.

                    My parents: How do you know him/her?
                    Me: I know them through message boards on the internet, and finally met them at a tailgate. Oh, and they are crashing at my place/I'm crashing at theirs.
                    Never really developed a taste for tequila. Kind of hard to understand how you make a drink out of something that sharp, inhospitable. Now, bourbon is easy to understand.
                    Tastes like a warm summer day. -Raylan Givens

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                    • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                      1999: Don't trust people you meet on the Internet; when you sleep with someone you're sleeping with everyone they slept with.

                      2017: Tinder.
                      Cornell University
                      National Champion 1967, 1970
                      ECAC Champion 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1980, 1986, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2010
                      Ivy League Champion 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1977, 1978, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020

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                      • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                        Those are brilliant.

                        1999: I would never give my child a $1,000 pocket computer that would allow them to look up porn and let them run around and break it. And I certainly wouldn't let them hand out naked pictures of themselves to their classmates.

                        2017: iPhone 8
                        Last edited by dxmnkd316; 05-16-2017, 06:09 PM.
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                        BTHC 4                 WCHA FC:  1
                        Originally posted by SanTropez
                        May your paint thinner run dry and the fleas of a thousand camels infest your dead deer.
                        Originally posted by bigblue_dl
                        I don't even know how to classify magic vagina smoke babies..
                        Originally posted by Kepler
                        When the giraffes start building radio telescopes they can join too.
                        He's probably going to be a superstar but that man has more baggage than North West

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                        • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                          Me, trying to explain underwear to aliens: we have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants.

                          Prompt: badly explain every day, ordinary things to aliens.
                          Facebook: bcowles920 Instagram: missthundercat01
                          "One word frees us from the weight and pain of this life. That word is love."- Socrates
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                          • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                            Every now and then, I like to sit on the edge of my bed, hold my pants by the waist at floor level, and then put both feet into my pant legs at the same time before pulling up my pants.
                            "Hope is a good thing; maybe the best of things."

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                            "Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy." -- W. B. Yeats

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                            • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                              Originally posted by ShirtlessBob View Post
                              Me, trying to explain underwear to aliens: we have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants.

                              Prompt: badly explain every day, ordinary things to aliens.
                              This reminds me of "Baseball Explained to a Foreigner," which used to be quoted in full on a wall at Cooperstown. It may have been Ring Lardner. Google knows nothing of it.
                              Cornell University
                              National Champion 1967, 1970
                              ECAC Champion 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1980, 1986, 1996, 1997, 2003, 2005, 2010
                              Ivy League Champion 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1977, 1978, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1996, 1997, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2014, 2018, 2019, 2020

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                              • Re: A light bulb, a door-to-door jokester and a geneticist walk into a bar ...

                                Originally posted by Kepler View Post
                                This reminds me of "Baseball Explained to a Foreigner," which used to be quoted in full on a wall at Cooperstown. It may have been Ring Lardner. Google knows nothing of it.
                                In the movie Blast from the Past, there's a scene where the father, played Christopher Walken, tries to explain baseball to his son, who has only known life living in a bomb shelter. It's clearly a play on the Cooperstown sign. The kid isn't getting the whole concept of a force-out. The whole scene becomes a mini-montage. Later in the movie, when the now adult son is out in the world, he attends his first baseball game and has that moment of recognition, "I get it now, it's because he has to!"
                                "The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." George Orwell, 1984

                                "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume." Boromir

                                "Good news! We have a delivery." Professor Farnsworth

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