Parents Good and Bad

[cleanhit]

Hey! The coaches and players take a lot of hits on these blogs. Thought it would be fun to talk about parental involvement. What do coaches like and dislike? What is helpful? How far should you go at this level? What helps and what hurts your daughter?

[hellomoto]

As far as I see it, most coaches believe that the less contact with parents the better. Most of the time no news is good news and if a coach wants a parent to be involved, he/she will acticvely seek out that parent.

That being said, I've seen parents do some really nice things over the years. Putting together meals for the kids after a game close to their home is one example of a way a parent can positively impact a team. Most teams have some sort of family and friends banquet/buffet towards the end of the season where the players, their families, and the coaches get together and celebrate the season's accomplishment and honor the seniors who are close to, or at, the end of their career.

The optimal role of the parent in women's college hockey seems to be a cheerleader, to come to games and cheer on the team, help out with the aforementioned meals/functions and perhaps throw a chunk of change towards the team's budget if they can afford it. No school will turn down a donation to a relatively undefunded (at most schools) sport like women's hockey.

[THE Icemom]

I agree with Hellomotto, the coach will seek you out if need be, otherwise the less pestering by parents the better. The hard part for a lot of parents (me included) is realizing that these young ladies are now legally adults and they have to learn to deal with coaches, professors, teammates and roomates both in good times and in bad. They still need us around for advice sometimes but more importantly they need to know we will listen if they need to vent, be a shoulder to cry on, be a "ear" when they just need to talk out a problem and they need us to be the biggest and best cheerleader they have ever had. And for those fortunate enough to be able to live close, hosting team meals or just being there to cheer on the team means alot to those who don't have family nearby. And those of us who are far from our daughters really appreciate those who have cheered them on, have given them a hug after a game or told them "good game". Uh oh, tears starting....

[vellnueve]

I'm not a parent (far from it) but I can think specifically of several cases where a parent getting too involved derailed a promising career. I know of one specific case where a nosy parent got all of one kid's football scholarships pulled during his recruiting process.

[sk8happy]

I agree with Hellomotto, the coach will seek you out if need be, otherwise the less pestering by parents the better. The hard part for a lot of parents (me included) is realizing that these young ladies are now legally adults and they have to learn to deal with coaches, professors, teammates and roomates both in good times and in bad. They still need us around for advice sometimes but more importantly they need to know we will listen if they need to vent, be a shoulder to cry on, be a "ear" when they just need to talk out a problem and they need us to be the biggest and best cheerleader they have ever had. And for those fortunate enough to be able to live close, hosting team meals or just being there to cheer on the team means alot to those who don't have family nearby. And those of us who are far from our daughters really appreciate those who have cheered them on, have given them a hug after a game or told them "good game". Uh oh, tears starting....


Just one parent's opinion from having watched several children go thru this process. Watching your own kids also gives you the opportunity to watch other parents. Here's what a lot of years spent in the rink taught us:
1. Don't live through your child. Support her yes, but do everyone a big favor and let it be THEIR experience.
2. This isn't prep school,highschool or club hockey. Let you child ask the big questions, fend for herself and grow up. Don't make the mistake of calling the coach and/or emailing him/her. I've seen so many parents of girls think they deserve a regular audience with the coaching staff. You don't. Stay out. You'll only alienate the coaching staff, while failing to let your daughter step up and resolve her own issues.
3. When things go awry- STAY POSITIVE! Whatever you do, don't feed your daughter's "woe is me" mentality. Instead, give her a shoulder to lean on, with positive suggestions and then let her work her way through. Throwing fuel on the fire, only helps fire up the pity party. Self pity is a killer in the college sports world.
4. All parents would love to see their daughter succeed beyond their dreams. However, it isn't always about scoring and being an allstar. We've seen so many parents with what we term "upside down" thinking. This is a team sport. Help teach them to be a good teammate first. Too many parents see their daughters as the sun and the teammates as orbiting around their prized possession. It fosters insane pettiness, jealousy and generally spoils what should be a wonderful learning experience.

I could go on, but what always strikes me most negatively about some of the parents we've witnessed, is the realization that in some particularly "bad" cases, it's the parent who needs to grow up and stop acting like a child.
I should add, we've met many wonderful folks along the way. It's unfortunate that some parents seem to give the rest a bad name.

[Sweden]

Just one parent's opinion from having watched several children go thru this process. Watching your own kids also gives you the opportunity to watch other parents. Here's what a lot of years spent in the rink taught us:
1. Don't live through your child. Support her yes, but do everyone a big favor and let it be THEIR experience.
2. This isn't prep school,highschool or club hockey. Let you child ask the big questions, fend for herself and grow up. Don't make the mistake of calling the coach and/or emailing him/her. I've seen so many parents of girls think they deserve a regular audience with the coaching staff. You don't. Stay out. You'll only alienate the coaching staff, while failing to let your daughter step up and resolve her own issues.
3. When things go awry- STAY POSITIVE! Whatever you do, don't feed your daughter's "woe is me" mentality. Instead, give her a shoulder to lean on, with positive suggestions and then let her work her way through. Throwing fuel on the fire, only helps fire up the pity party. Self pity is a killer in the college sports world.
4. All parents would love to see their daughter succeed beyond their dreams. However, it isn't always about scoring and being an allstar. We've seen so many parents with what we term "upside down" thinking. This is a team sport. Help teach them to be a good teammate first. Too many parents see their daughters as the sun and the teammates as orbiting around their prized possession. It fosters insane pettiness, jealousy and generally spoils what should be a wonderful learning experience.

I could go on, but what always strikes me most negatively about some of the parents we've witnessed, is the realization that in some particularly "bad" cases, it's the parent who needs to grow up and stop acting like a child.
I should add, we've met many wonderful folks along the way. It's unfortunate that some parents seem to give the rest a bad name.

One on the best posts I have read on this or any sports forum

[joeyc3402]

From a coach's perspective, parents are there for off-ice functions. Any uninvited involvement / attempts at interference with on-ice (or other hockey-related) stuff will get you blacklisted.

[Justamom]

sk8happy is absolutely correct. Be supportive, provide positive guidance and let your daughter start to learn what it means to be an adult.

[Jonesy]

From a coach's perspective, parents are there for off-ice functions. Any uninvited involvement / attempts at interference with on-ice (or other hockey-related) stuff will get you blacklisted.

Coaches coach
Players play
Parents cheer

[sk8happy]

Coaches coach
Players play
Parents cheer


It's a certainly a motto that might be best tatooed on more than a few parental foreheads!!

Too often Jonesy, I've witnessed a similar version with a slightly different take:

Parents coach
Coaches Cheer &
Players Play for the glory of Mom & Dad..

Here's hoping more parents can find the strength to be better role models.

[videohockey]

It's a certainly a motto that might be best tatooed on more than a few parental foreheads!!

If it's on their foreheads, they'd never see it, and would criticize the other parents for not exercising the same! But I know what you're saying. Every parent needs to skate at least a couple of parent/kid games each year just to experience what it is we expect from our kids.

I'm stepping off the soapbox now. Thank you!

[notfromaroundhere]

Good goalie parents never sit behind their daughters at games.

[Atlantic Puck]

Daughters get to play the game they love for a number of years
Coaches will influence your daughter for a percentage of that time
Parents get to support their daughters for a lifetime
make sure they know it and you enjoy it & you will be the winner!

[Justamom]

Good goalie parents never sit behind their daughters at games.

haha so true, mine would fire the puck at me if I did that to her :) and she has got a shot

[sheba]

Daughters get to play the game they love for a number of years
Coaches will influence your daughter for a percentage of that time
Parents get to support their daughters for a lifetime
make sure they know it and you enjoy it & you will be the winner!

It is SOOOO much easier when there is a GOOD coach who has a GOOD influence to be supportive....and that much more difficult when there is a BAD coach. I agree the ideal scenario is to hand out the tissues as your daughter cries out her frustration and anguish and to watch a bad coach suck out all the joy out of your daughter's (and your own) enjoyment of the game and to watch her learn to HATE the game that she used to love..and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you the parent can say to her or the coach or anybody else that makes this pain go away...we are not talking about isolated "not enough playing time" or ranting about other petty issues some parents whine about. Its about bad coaching that destroys a kid's confidence and undermines any credibility to believe anything a coach says or does.

As a parent, the best you can do is to separate your child from the situation.
And to say nothing about it is to allow the situation to repeat itself and continue for the next "victim". How bad does it have to get sometimes or what/can any player do except just move on..

[sk8happy]

It is SOOOO much easier when there is a GOOD coach who has a GOOD influence to be supportive....and that much more difficult when there is a BAD coach. I agree the ideal scenario is to hand out the tissues as your daughter cries out her frustration and anguish and to watch a bad coach suck out all the joy out of your daughter's (and your own) enjoyment of the game and to watch her learn to HATE the game that she used to love..and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you the parent can say to her or the coach or anybody else that makes this pain go away...we are not talking about isolated "not enough playing time" or ranting about other petty issues some parents whine about. Its about bad coaching that destroys a kid's confidence and undermines any credibility to believe anything a coach says or does.

As a parent, the best you can do is to separate your child from the situation.
And to say nothing about it is to allow the situation to repeat itself and continue for the next "victim". How bad does it have to get sometimes or what/can any player do except just move on..

While I'm sure most parents have had experiences with coaches who leave something to be desired, I differ with your "victim" mentality.
First, we were talking about parents, not coaches. But since you bring it up, were also discussing college, not club or high school. You have a responsibility not to mention opportunity to meet and interview staff, players, former players, etc. during the recruiting process. As does your daughter. If you make a poor decision, then it's on you.
Second, coahes have many styles. Educate yourself. Even the very best won't do things to your liking. Or your daughter's for that matter.
Third, it's not your job to "warn or save the world." If you don't like your situation- change it. Let others decide for themselves what's in their best interests. So many parents feel they have to "save" others and thus rationalize their desire to get back at a certain coach. You don't like it, leave. If the coach is truly as bad as you think, others will likely do the same.
As a parent, it's MY responsibility to help my daughter make good choices for her. My job isn't to right her wrongs, perform character assassination or launch smear campaigns. I've seen it aplenty. What a waste of energy, not to mention wonderful role modelling for your child.
I hate to say it, but you sound alot like parents I met in the course of my own children's playing experiences. Needless to say, I sat as far away from them as possible and avoided them like the plague. All they wanted was an audience for their misery. They usually found one too - some other miserable parent who never had a good thing to say about any coach their daughter played under.
Sorry for the lack of compassion. Been there, done that.

[rochhockey1950]

Its hard on all sides of this unusual fence. Its hard for parents sometimes to step away objectively and see things for what they really are. Today the game and in all sports communication is the important key. Players should know where they stand and close monitoring of that element by the coaching staff are critical to the teams chemistry. Coaches today have so much more to do in that regard than those who were coaching ten to fifteen years ago. Parents have become more advocate than parent and thats everywhere not just in sports. Its going to continue so coaches need to adjust if they can.
Sheba hits a superb point in that there are coaches who are less skilled than others. The in game coaching part at times is not as important as the human people skills.
It also depends on who the coach is, and what they have done. There are coaches all over the country who would never get away with what Bobby Knight does even on his best day, but hes Bobby Knight.

[ARM]

I also think that by the time the daughter is of college age, the decisions should be hers, not the parents. Obviously if the parents are contributing financially to the cost of the education, they should have more input into the decisions. But hockey and degrees aside, the most valuable education received during these years is about life. You will have eccentric and probably outright "bad" professors. You will have days where you don't like your coaches, your teammates, and maybe even yourself. Once you graduate, how you coped with these situations might help you handle the crisis situations in your career, where it might be millions of dollars or somebody's life on the line, instead of just 4 credits or a hockey game.

[sheba]

While I'm sure most parents have had experiences with coaches who leave something to be desired, I differ with your "victim" mentality.
First, we were talking about parents, not coaches. But since you bring it up, were also discussing college, not club or high school. You have a responsibility not to mention opportunity to meet and interview staff, players, former players, etc. during the recruiting process. As does your daughter. If you make a poor decision, then it's on you.
Second, coahes have many styles. Educate yourself. Even the very best won't do things to your liking. Or your daughter's for that matter.
Third, it's not your job to "warn or save the world." If you don't like your situation- change it. Let others decide for themselves what's in their best interests. So many parents feel they have to "save" others and thus rationalize their desire to get back at a certain coach. You don't like it, leave. If the coach is truly as bad as you think, others will likely do the same.
As a parent, it's MY responsibility to help my daughter make good choices for her. My job isn't to right her wrongs, perform character assassination or launch smear campaigns. I've seen it aplenty. What a waste of energy, not to mention wonderful role modelling for your child.
I hate to say it, but you sound alot like parents I met in the course of my own children's playing experiences. Needless to say, I sat as far away from them as possible and avoided them like the plague. All they wanted was an audience for their misery. They usually found one too - some other miserable parent who never had a good thing to say about any coach their daughter played under.
Sorry for the lack of compassion. Been there, done that.

Just FYI, I AM talking about COLLEGE coaches, NOT club or high school.
I am talking about college coaches who made representations during their recruiting interviews to players WITH their parents (so it isnt just the kids word against the coach). Same things were said to other recruited players AND their parents as well, so it isnt just perception.
I am talking about college coaches who say they'll do things and then they don't and then do the things they say they won't. Coaches who berate players and embarrass them and think thats all okay because its "college".

Your "been there, done that" attitude sounds just like a bad coach who may be exactly like that...except I have had LOTS of good things to say about very GOOD coaches that I have also encountered along the way as well as the ego maniacs who like to trash any criticism of their "people" skills which may be sorely lacking.
Your lack of compassion only emphasizes the type of coach who as a "role model" demonstrates the kind of influence a "bad" coach can have on a player's development.

Oh also, we ARE talking about good/bad parents responding to coaches - which we all agree is something "good" parents should and must not do -- and when everything is all rosy it is alot easier to be supportive. But when things are not, there are very limited options available that are helpful. So your advice for a "good" parent is similar to what my concluding comment was to "leave".
Another point to be made about parents and "college coaches" this is the most likely the final hockey experience for most girls who are not of the elite Olympic stature - and transferring is a possibility for some ..but for most its over.

The college coaches who present themselves very differently in the recruiting interviews then go sour are the ones that make it miserable. And it has nothing to do with winning/losing/playing time..more about insecure personalities on a power trip.

[sheba]

I also think that by the time the daughter is of college age, the decisions should be hers, not the parents. Obviously if the parents are contributing financially to the cost of the education, they should have more input into the decisions. But hockey and degrees aside, the most valuable education received during these years is about life. You will have eccentric and probably outright "bad" professors. You will have days where you don't like your coaches, your teammates, and maybe even yourself. Once you graduate, how you coped with these situations might help you handle the crisis situations in your career, where it might be millions of dollars or somebody's life on the line, instead of just 4 credits or a hockey game.

Very very true.
My daughter endured and believes the experience helped build friendships with other team mates that may last a lifetime, well beyond the hockey season as it should. It just brings up the issue of decision making during the initial recruiting interviews - and being gullible... Good advice to other recruited athletes is to try to talk to past players candidly - but sometimes even that can be misleading..
But whether it was the bad coaching here or a bad boss/co worker or professor as someone else mentioned - dealing with them is part of life's struggles that is ultimately what every young person needs to deal with..on their own.